3 tips for dealing with jealousy

if you’re feeling the “right” amount of jealousy, and how do you express it without driving your significant other crazy? Here are some tips.

1. Be honest with yourself. According to Dr. Ish Major, author of Little White Whys: A No Nonsense Guide to the Lies Men Tell in Relationships and Why, some men feel so secure in themselves and in the fidelity of their partners that they experience no jealous feelings whatsoever. Aside from these lucky guys, Major says, most men who refuse to admit to jealousy fall into one of two camps: either “they aren’t paying attention and have no clue that they should feel jealous,” or “they simply don’t care... this type of guy would be more than happy if someone (other than himself) would come and sweep a partner off of her feet and right out of his life.”

2. Express your feelings appropriately. Sometimes, as with that grocery store fantasy, jealousy-provoking scenarios are best left unshared with your partner. If you do decide to unload, Dr. Haltzman says, you should keep in mind that “expressing jealousy is a double-edged sword. It says ‘I care about you enough to be jealous,’ but it also says ‘I don’t trust you.’ I think it’s more important to talk about the experiences that lead to jealousy rather the jealousy itself. So instead of saying ‘I’m really jealous of the time you’re spending with Tommy,’ you might say, ‘I have to admit, I’m a little jealous that you and Tommy went to the movies and then went out afterward.’”

3. If you’re not feeling it, don’t be afraid to fake it. “Some, if not most, women are absolutely flattered when their partners get jealous,” says Dr. Major. “Think Marilyn Monroe. Think Scarlett O’Hara. For women, a partner’s jealousy serves a multitude of purposes, not the least of which is letting them know they still ‘have it’ and somebody wants it. It also lets them know you’re paying attention and you care.” Not surprisingly, Dr. Major adds, “I am a strong advocate of feigned jealousy. I have used it personally and at times I’ve advised friends and patients to do the same.”